when the brain rebels.  

first i had a personality.  Now I have a set of reactions, punch, scream, that create a swallowing amount of cleanup.

The brain rebels by not choosing a reaction.  There's no one in the seat.  Or there is and the flashing light on the screen says "MUST BREAK" 

And so the hitting.  I beat myself so bad that I was dizzy for weeks.  I have no one to tell about this.  I'm dizzy for weeks.  I'm very strong so that's one positive.

I'm not a person, persons are a fiction.  I am poor reactions, or if looked at differently, crystalline clear reactions.

It hurts but beating yourself to death is supposed to hurt.